女子篮球，家庭，与生命的价值（中译）

Girl Basketball, Family, Life (in Chinese)

女子篮球，家庭，与生命的价值（中译）Girl Basketball, Family, Life (in Chinese)

陈凯著 吴必忠译

献给我的女儿艾丽克斯：“一个人如何打篮球体现一个人如何生活 ”

（译者）序：

这是一位前（中国）国家篮球队队员和他女儿的真实故事，一次家长与子女间爱的交融。

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一直以来，我都认为我女儿在篮球运动上只能算是一个普通人，一个和很多人一样对篮球无比热爱、渴望胜利、但却资质平平的普通人，所以最初我对她选择篮球运动并不抱太大希望。 在她刚接触篮球的时侯，我甚至以我曾是中国国家队队员的经历告诫她“这可是一项野蛮的运动！”我郑重地对她说“你真的确定你想从事这项运动吗？”没有多余的话语，她用“砰砰” 响起的运球声来告诉我，这就是她的回答。 从那时起，我们便在后院开始了她的篮球训练。 只是有谁知道，我的女儿要打好篮球将要面临多大困难，她是平足、没有速度、没有弹跳力甚至连跑动的时候手臂也是笨拙摇摆的。 当然，也许身高是她的一个优势，我身高2米，我妻子身高1.8米，我相信我的女儿应该能长得比较高。 但众所周知，长得高并不代表就能打好球，面对女儿这样的身体条件，我心里不无担忧。

平时我都比较早就去球场的。 今天我依旧早去，只是我的心格外难受。 前几天艾丽克斯曾抱怨说自己的左膝盖有些疼，因为她那里去年做过前十字韧带的修复手术，我不知道现在她的膝盖怎么样了。 应该说本赛季到目前为止，她的状态都很不错，在之前的三场小联赛中，她表现得相当出色。 她不仅没有让手术影响到她技术的发挥，而且她还打出了她前所未有的高水平。 对于她状态的复苏我很激动，甚至感到欣喜若狂。 直到两天前她告诉我她膝盖的疼痛，我才知道她出色的背后，有着强忍伤痛的坚持。

那是在一次球队的例行训练时队友不小心撞伤的。 她的膝盖肿胀了起来，里面充斥了一些淤血。 不过她只是把它当作一般的小伤来对待。 此时我的女儿已经是中学联赛第三赛季的球员。 经过长期艰苦训练，正是在技术上全面爆发、成绩上收获累累的季节。 难过的是，她却不得不经受这样伤痛的考验。 我不敢对女儿接下来的比赛和前途多想，心中满是了担忧、害怕和沮丧。

当我走进球馆的时侯她正在固定自行车上做腿部练习，由于校队在球场的一端做着训练，做完腿部练习后她就到另一端做投篮练习。 我走过去给她给捡球和喂球，这样的练习我们曾做过无数次了。

“你觉得怎么样？”我强忍着自己焦急的心情。 她没有看我。“不舒服……当我收紧肌肉的时候，就感觉里面很疼。” 她的声音微微的颤抖。 我走近她，蹲下来检查她的膝盖，揉捏她的腿部。 手术疤痕仍然红润光滑。 我很难过，默默地站了起来，我觉察到她眼里闪烁着泪光。 然而，当注视我女儿的脸时，我惊讶的发现她的表情充满了坚定。 那一刻，我突然有股把我近期一直萦绕在我脑子里的想法一股脑向她诉说的冲动，虽然我之前并没有打算这么早就告诉她。

“艾丽克斯!”我双手抓着她的肩膀。 “我知道我平时对你非常严格和非常苛刻。 但是，有些事情我得告诉你……。” 突然，我哽咽住了，泪水如决堤般喷涌而出，我无法继续讲下去了。 我发现我的一只手仍在她肩上，但另一只捂着自己的嘴巴，眼泪顺着我的脸颊不住往下淌。 然后我紧紧地将她抱在我的怀里。 此刻时间静止了。

在马尔伯勒学校体育馆，在耀眼的灯光下，我双臂紧紧拥抱着我的女儿，将她完全地揽入我的心窝。 我在她耳边喃喃说： “我多么爱你，多么爱你，艾丽克斯……作为你的父亲我感到非常自豪，非常骄傲……。” 我尝到自己急切亲吻她额头时流下的泪水。 “我也爱你，爸爸！”她啜泣着对我说。 那一刻，我意识到我的眼泪不再是悲伤和沮丧，而是由衷的喜悦和内心的全然释放。 我意识到，她不但知道自己在这项运动上已经取得了哪些成就，而且她知道有什么东西正摆在她的面前，同时她也做好了应对将来困难和挑战的心理准备。 我意识到，她这样如此坚定的信心，足以战胜未来发生的一切。 同时我意识到，我们彼此相爱，无论将来发生什么事情，我们一家人都会幸福的生活下去。 这一刻，我沉浸在她魅力和品格所带给我的激励中。 而经历了这几天难以言状的难过后，我的内心重又回到了平静。 我们是生活的主人。

看着女儿1米85的挺拔身姿，我站在那里，轻声呼喊她的名字。 我对她说：“你已经展现了你自己！你已经证明了你在这项运动中的价值！你是生活的强者！”我欣慰地笑了笑，接着半开玩笑地正色道： “毕竟，那都是源于你遗传了我的基因。” 她倏地笑了起来，犹如一朵夏日清晨绚丽绽放的牵牛花，多么美丽的一幅画面。

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GIRL BASKETBALL, FAMILY, LIFE 女子篮球，家庭，与生命的价值

-A TRUE AND CONTINUING SAGA OF A RETIRED CHINESE NATIONAL TEAM BASKETBALL PLAYER AND HIS AMERICAN DREAM-

By Kai Chen, 1-07-2003

DEDICATED TO MY DAUGHTER ALEX

“The way one approaches the game is the way one approaches life”

Prelude

I had always thought of her as just another player, with ordinary talent and a big heart and the love of basketball. I remembered that when she just started to get into this game, I even tried to discourage her. “It’s a brutal game.” stating my own experience as a former basketball player for the Chinese National Team. “Are you sure you really want to get into this?” The only answer I got was the sound of dribbling the ball. Sure I got a basketball stand in the backyard the moment she started running. But how did I know she had flat feet, no speed and jumping ability and an awkward swing of arms when she runs? I know she is going to be tall since I am 6’7” and my wife Susan is 5’11”. But being tall does not mean she can play the game. Everybody knows that.

I arrived the gym a little early, as usual. But this day I was unusually distressed. I was concerned about the pain she had complained in her left knee. She had an ACL reconstructive surgery last year on that knee. So far she had felt fine. And she had performed quite well in the last three tournaments this season. Not only she did not show signs of rustiness. She had some of her best games ever. I was excited and even ecstatic about her recovery, till two days ago she told me about the pain. A teammate inadvertently ran into her during a routine practice. Her left knee had swollen and there was some fluid in it. She was just about to put things together when she first had the injury in her sophomore year. Now just when she was about to blossom into herself in her junior season, now just when she was about to taste her own fruit of hard work, she had to…. I did not even want to spell out the fear, the uncertainty, the helplessness.

She was working on a stationary bicycle when I walked in. After she was done, she picked up a ball to shoot at one end of the court while the school varsity was practicing at the other end. I walked over to rebound and feed her the ball as I had done for thousands of times.

“How do you feel?” I felt compelled by my own urge to know. “Shaky.” She answered without looking at me. “When I tighten my muscles, there is a pain inside.” Her voice became a little unsteady. I approached her, squatted and examined her knee. I reached and touched her leg. The surgical scars were still red and shiny. I stood up. I could see a little moist sparkled in her eyes. There was a little helplessness. Yet she was quiet with that typical determined look on her face. I suddenly realized that this couple of days I was preparing something to say to her in my head, a speech I never thought I would come up with this early.

“Alex,” I reached out my hands to hold her shoulder. “I know that I am your harshest critic. Yet there is something that needs to be said….”

Suddenly I was choked with emotions. I could not continue. I found that one of my hands was still holding her, but the other hand was covering my own mouth. Tears started to trickle down my cheeks. Then both of my hands held her tightly in my arms. Time stood still.

Here in the Marlborough School gym, under the glaring lights, I was holding my daughter in my arms, I was embracing her fully in my heart, as I murmured words into her ears: “I love you so much, so much , Alex…. You make me feel so proud to be your father. So proud….” I could taste my own tears with my feverish kisses on her forehead. “I love you, too, Dad.” is all I heard through her sobs. I realized at that moment that my tears were not tears of sadness and disappointment, but tears of happiness and deliverance. I realized that not only she knows how much she had achieved since she started playing this game, she knows what lay ahead and she is ready to face the challenge. I realized that she had such a flare of confidence that no matter what happens in her future, she will be OK. And I realized that no matter what happens in the future in our family, we will be OK. For a few moments, I was immersed in her grace and dignity. I felt a serenity coming back to me after some unspeakable distress. I realized words can not express what I felt: Life is being lived.

As I stood there watching her 6’1” beautiful frame, I whispered her name to myself as I thought. “ You have shown me who you are. You have proven to yourself that you are worthy of this game. You are a winner in life.” I smiled and felt like joking as I extracted myself from the moment: “After all, you got my genes.” She laughed and her face radiated like a Summer morning glory. What a beautiful sight!

 

 

About Values

What are true values in life?  -- Contrast China & America

Ju Bin   3/20/2009     Translation by Kai Chen

            In 2008, CCTV held a student conference in Beijing, inviting some high school students from America and China, 12 from each country to be exact.  The American students were chosen from the “President Award” winning group, while the Chinese students were chosen from a group ready to enter top Chinese colleges.  They were all supposed to show what talents they had in the conference.  Yet most prominently both groups of students were given a test/survey to detect what they valued in life.  The host listed some common values for both groups such as wisdom, power, truth, wealth, virtue…  Without exception, the American students all chose truth and wisdom, and alas, also without exception the Chinese students all chose power and wealth.  I remember after the program, one education expert from China commented, alarmed with trepidation:  “The Chinese students need some fundamental change in their value system.  They all are like zombies without any virtue and soul.” 

            We all know that one’s value orientation is mainly shaped by the educational system and his or her family in a particular culture.   It in turn forms and influences one’s own thinking and behavior.  Indeed Chinese culture has lasted for some two thousand years.  Yet we should have the courage to filter out those degenerate and corrupt elements in our ancient culture.  We should use our common sense and reasoning ability, in short, use our brain instead of our face or skin color, to think things through, to analyze and criticize the decadent and anti-value culture we have all inherited in order to move forward into the future, toward hope. 

            In China every child from the day he or she starts to comprehend things is taught to endure hardship so as to be “a man above men”.  In schools and at home, the teachers and parents remind the pupils and children again and again:  “Work hard and endure all pains so you can succeed in achieving higher societal status.”  We are force-fed the creed “To endure and suffer more than others, so you can be above others in the future.”  We are so brainwashed by our adherence to Confucianism that the only purpose of one’s education is to be a government official and to climb the social ladder more quickly.  The ultimate ideal in our tradition for a person is to be a high official and to make a lot of money.   The more people envy you for your position and wealth, the better.  No one has an iota of understanding about happiness and freedom, and along with it - a person’s individual responsibility to himself and to society. 

            Here to illustrate my point I want to tell you a true story about one of my close friends and his daughter….

            Alex is a daughter of my friend K.  They all live in America.  Alex graduated with honor from Yale University in 2008.  After graduation, Alex decided to join the Peace Corps to go to some remote area in poor countries to help people.  She eventually went to a village in Zambia, Africa.  I was very touched by Alex’s decision and very moved by K’s family’s pride toward their daughter’s decision. 

            I remember Alex was a well-mannered, somewhat shy, and well-proportioned girl of 6’1”.  An excellent basketball player in high school, Alex was recruited by Yale University’s basketball program.  K once brought me to see her basketball training in her high school and afterward we had dinner in the nearby Korea Town.  Alex did not speak Chinese so she did not say a lot.  K and I conversed in Chinese during the meal. 

            K told me that Alex was recruited by many universities for their basketball programs.  West Point was one of them.  K was very interested in sending Alex to West Point – a famed military university with very strict high standard of recruitment.   Cadets in West Point don’t have to pay tuition.  Instead, they are mandated to serve five years in the military as officers upon graduation.  It was a great opportunity and K was very excited about it. 

            Yet, when it came to the final decision, K allowed Alex to choose among all the colleges available.  Alex finally chose to go to Yale University and forgo West Point.  K and his wife were equally as happy.  It was, after all, Alex’s life and it was up to Alex to decide.  Though the tuition of Yale was very high, it was nonetheless one of the best universities in the world. 

            Four years passed very quickly and Alex graduated from Yale with honor, majoring in History of Medicine/History of Science.  However, Alex did not use her degree to immediately find a high-paying job.  She volunteered instead to join the Peace Corps.  Soon she was sent to Zambia in Africa.  She now lives in a small village without running water and electricity.  One time she even had a sever infection due to a cut on her foot while working in the village.  She had to be hospitalized just to save her foot.  K and his wife are very proud of Alex and they plan to go to Zambia soon to visit her.  (Note:  Peace Corps is a U.S. government sponsored program aimed at helping the under-developed world by sending over skilled volunteers.  The commitment for the volunteers is two years.) 

            I wish Alex the best with all my heart, for she is indeed such a great person with great virtues and great values.  She gives the best of her youth to help the needy without any regard to the risks and hardship involved.  She is full of energy, full of hope, full of great values this world so lacks.  She is not only a role model for American youths; she is a great role model for Chinese youths as well.  I am deeply moved by Alex and by K and his wife.  They have raised a good daughter. 

            In conclusion, I only want to recommend a book to you all:   [Teaching Your Children Values] by Linda and Richard Eyre.  This book has been among the best sellers for many years in America, especially among those who care deeply about their children’s spiritual lives and moral values.  Honesty, courage, self-respect, love, justice, caring and kindness are among the values espoused in the book.  The authors put themselves at the level of the kids, analyzing what goes through in a child’s mind.  I hope you all try to read it. 

            (Note:  Another book by Richard Eyre is entitled [Teaching Your Children Responsibility]) 

Photos of Alex in Zambia -- just received from K:  Notice that on the right when Alex (the tall girl) just arrived she had long hair.  But on the left, due to lack of water in the village she had shaved her head. 

Interview - Happy Basketball

用自己的方式打球

鞠滨 2010-12-29

 一、 体育运动旨在体现人的精神意志1891年，加拿大人奈史密斯.詹姆斯博士（Dr.Naismith.James）在美国麻省春田体育中心（springfield）创建篮球这项运动，当时创建这项运动的目的在于使更多人能够参与并体验运动（游戏）的快乐。因为篮球运动对场地器材要求相对简单，无论室内室外都可以进行，通过篮球运动，不仅可以发挥和发展人的各种运动技能（跑，跳，投等），还可以通过竞赛激发人的勇气、智慧和创造力。自篮球运动开创一百多年来，经历无数运动员的共同努力，使得这项运动向着“更快更高更强”的方向持续发展，无论是运动技术本身还是运动员身体素质都取得了极大的提高，裁判规则也在不断修订中渐趋完善。这项运动的发展带来的不仅仅是竞技水平的提高，更重要的人这项运动对人的勇气、智慧和创造力的改变。运动员在篮球比赛中努力拼搏不断超越自我以及其坚忍不拔的态度，折射出对生活中的态度，同样，在球场上的精神意志也可以贯穿到生活中，当球场上或生活中遇到困境时选择迎难而上还是怯懦退却，球场上敢拼那生活中就同样可以一展身手，球场上的态度可以影响和改变一个人的人生态度。下面几个例子说明，无论是生活中还是球场上，我们都可能遇到类似的场景和选择，我们都可以做出正确的选择：

①在比赛中，当你和对方发生身体冲撞或冲突时，你是一直耿耿于怀伺机报复还是集中注意力，全力配合队友用自己的技术和智慧去有效遏制并摆脱对手，通过自己的不懈努力光明磊落地取得胜利。

②在场上，你是不顾一切的想表现自己，还是会为全队利益，宁可放弃自己的一些机会而给其他队员创造更好的机会，并在利己与利他之间找到合理的平衡，实现全队的共赢。

③面对铺天盖地的观众呐喊声，或是强有力的对手，你是紧张胆怯简单应付，还是努力调整情绪，并不断激励自己让自己冷静，机智勇敢地接受挑战，化解和克服强大的心理恐惧，并将自己的能力发挥到最大。

篮球比赛千变万化，不仅可以锻炼人的意志，而且可以磨练人的心智，而通过篮球运动的锻炼建立起来的运动精神，则可改变一个人的生活态度，并时时激励其拼搏向上勇于追求，增强其在生活中挑战困难的勇气和信心。二、 尊重比赛，尊重对手，尊重自己
在运动中树立正确的价值观是所有运动员必须遵从的价值基点，在我们传统的体育训练体制中一直是以名利观去诱导激发运动员，“为市争光”，“为省争光”，乃至“为国争光”，一旦拿到金牌，便可“苦尽甘来、名利双收”，实现其“鲤鱼跳龙门”或“一夜暴富”的梦想，运动的目的仅仅是为了狭隘的集体荣誉和冠军效应所带来的各项收益。当然这些运动员在训练和比赛中都会很拼命，甚至出现“慷慨悲壮”的情况，但他们并不知道什么是真正的体育精神。真正的体育精神，应该是在比赛中接受挑战，并在竞争及挑战中证明自身价值，而这个过程中是通过集体的配合和努力来实现的，这就是篮球的魅力。在国际赛事上，功利体制下的运动员参加比赛不是来享受运动的快乐，不是与人类的其它成员一同欢享运动盛会，而是在强烈的民族虚荣心利益心双重驱动下赤裸裸地为攫取金牌。他们很难理解作为独立的自由人的运动员的心态，为什么西方国家的运动员在比赛中是那么的专注，那么的满怀激情，为什么他们明知道自己将会失败，却依然从内心迸发出无限的热情和无畏的进取。这样的进取与名利驱使下的“拼命”有质的不同，这样的进取是建立在热爱的基础上的人的积极价值观的体现，相反，在名利驱使下的运动员，一旦看到自己拿不到金牌，便马上消极对待比赛，曾经就出现过有的运动员在田径比赛中跌一跤就不再爬起来跑完全程。那些无论输赢也会坚持到最后，对运动充满热情的真正具有体育精神的运动员，因为热爱这项运动，所以不管输赢也会认认真真对待比赛，这是基本的职业道德，也是体育精神中的尊重比赛；因为热爱这项运动，所以无论对手多强，都要全力以赴，这是运动员的使命，也是体育精神中的尊重对手；因为热爱这项运动，所以无论自己输赢，也要让自己痛痛快快搏一回，这是体育运动的基本价值观，也是体育精神中的尊重自己。NBA冠军队球员波士顿凯尔特人（Celtics）的队长皮尔斯（pierce）在获胜后采访时的讲话一直在NBA球赛转播中反复播放（We never give up！）“我们从不放弃”，这反映了NBA的竞技精神，也是最顽强的体育精神。三、 打球不光是用身体更要用心篮球运动之所以伟大，是因为它是一项具有创造性的运动，打篮球不但可以得到身体上的锻炼，更重要的是它使人开发智慧，篮球运动自开创以来已经发生了极大的变化，迄今为止运动技术运动水平仍在不断开发和提高中。过去的20-30年里有谁会相信在比赛进行到最后还剩不到1秒的时间里，本来落后的球队，还能反败为胜？！这不能不说是“奇迹”，而这样的奇迹，在目前的NBA联赛里却常常出现，而女子比赛，竟然有人可以大力扣篮，实在让人惊叹不已，阿迪达斯（adidas）的一句广告词，充分表达了运动员们的体育精神。“Impossible is Nothing”-没有不可能！换句话说，通过每一个人的努力任何事都有可能发生，这种努力包括智慧的和身体的，即我们通常所说的用心。正是在这种思想的指引下，这项运动才会出现那些勇敢创新变一切不可能为可能的精彩场面，重要的是，由于人类智慧的无限发展，没有人可以预料今后还会有什么新动作新技术会出现，“没有不可能”，让我们对运动产生无限的想象空间，并通过智慧和体能不断超越和突破，最终造就了这项全球广受欢迎的伟大运动。

前不久，有位朋友（学生家长）打电话给我，电话里她很高兴地告诉我，据专家研究证明：喜欢打球的孩子都是相对聪明的，而且通过打球还可以增强孩子们的智慧潜质，我们传统文化里所认为的“四肢发达，头脑简单”是不对的。她的话是想表达对我一直鼓励孩子打球的认同，我很高兴又多了一位家长消除了对运动的歧视。不过我反思目前国人普遍深重地对体育的歧视，我仍然久久难以释怀，我们的国人，为什么至今仍有众多信奉着那千年不变的腐朽定律：“万般皆下品，惟有读书高”，“劳心者治人，劳力者受治于人”，实际上他们只信奉政治“圣人”并且“学而优则仕”，他们始终认为读书出头做官才是硬道理，体育不过是“低级劳动”，运动员只是“下等体力劳动者”，只有那些书读不好又上不了大学的孩子才会去搞这些谋出路。而我们许多运动员更是连自己也看不起自己从事的体育运动，因为他们从事这项运动并不是出于真正的热爱，往往是迫于生计的被迫选择。这些都是目前社会对体育运动普遍的认知，这反映整个社会的思想和价值观的腐朽，人类完全可以强壮自己的身体又聪明自己的智慧，并追求属于自己的幸福快乐。一个简单的道理，篮球运动中需要果敢、机智、谋划，这促使人不断开发和提高智慧，以解决其技战术中的问题，反过来，人的智慧的提高又可以促进这项运动的竞技水平的提升，乃至人类的科学技术文化水平的提升。这就是运动对于人类的现实贡献。令人沮丧的是，我们国人看不到西方大众体育所带来的整个国民素质的提高和社会的进步，那些歧视运动的腐朽思想和价值观，也不知还会在我们的社会中发酵多久？四、 用自己的方式打球在传统的教育体制下，教师、家长常常会用“向某某学习”，“以某某为榜样”作为指导和刺激学生的通常手段，“你看，某某多优秀”，“某某多聪明，某某多刻苦” ，他们并不明白自身言语中饱含着文化毒素，以及这样言语所代表的价值体系的扭曲，他们自己被复制并机械地复制他人，不明就里地推崇传统腐朽的人生观价值观，稀里糊涂地做灭个性反人性的教导。我们的社会中，总有人在研究怎么复制一个样板，复制一个运动员，复制一个教练，复制一个工程师，他们一边举着“以人为本”的旗帜，一边简单粗暴地抹杀人的个性，以完成对人的思想和行为的直接控制和塑造，最终实现集体复制。就像“文革”时期，我们常听到的“向工人阶级学习，向农民学习，全国人民学解放军，解放军学全国人民”。这种心智错乱的口号导致人们精神与道德的混乱，没有人知道自己到底在说什么，要做什么。我们的学校家庭都在管教学生要学做这种人，学做那种人，就是不能做自己。

在西方，每个人都被看做是一个独立的个体，孩子从开始懂事的时候，他就有独立的意志并被尊重，每个孩子都懂得他存在的意义在于他的个体价值，从来没有人会叫他“learn from someone”-向某某某学习，这是完全错乱的价值观。而国人对传统腐朽文化普遍而深度的沉湎，价值观的混淆错乱，导致对待人的文化上形成了两种截然不同的鲜明对比，西方坚信的“人是目的不是手段”和我们固守着“不管白猫黑猫，抓到老鼠就是好猫”，其结果是西方人活得勇敢、精彩，丰富，独立，个性，有尊严，而我们却是人人类似，不是明则保身的苟活，就是随波逐流的放纵，自己存在的价值永远模糊虚无。

NBA原著名的76人队后卫艾佛森(Allen Iverson)有一段话说得非常好，我想把它送给所有爱好体育爱好篮球的运动员和教练员们。“我不想当乔丹，我也不想当魔术师，我不想当拉里.伯德（这些都是NBA著名大球星），这些大牌球星我一个也不想当，在我运动生涯结束的时候，我只想对着自己说，我一直在用我自己的方式打球”

（I don’t want to be MJ , I don’t want to be Magic,I don’t want to be Bird,I don’t want to be any of these guys,when my career’s over ,I want to look in the mirror and say I did it my way. -- Allen Iverson ）

Parents’ Roles in Rearing Their Offspring

Parents ≠ Dictators

By Ju Bin   Translation by Kai Chen

We often hear sayings such as “my kids are too young to understand anything, so I don’t take them seriously”.  We also hear questions as well such as “What do I do to make my children independent with a healthy mindset?”  Indeed, these are important issues for us parents.  I only want to talk a bit here about my own opinions on these important issues of parenting. 

1.  Be a parent, a confidant, a friend, not a dictator

First, I want to clarify the term in Chinese “Jiazhang”(“Family Chief” when translate Chinese word “parents” into English).   “Family Chief” is a unique Chinese concept/expression for a parent which means also “the head of the family”.  This is from the traditional Confucian mindset to classify a society into a hierarchy, no matter where and whom.  The highest aspiration for a Chinese is to be a governmental official.  Education itself is aimed at climbing an official ladder in society.  Working hard is also for the same purpose.  If one hasn’t achieved such goal in society, at least he/she can be “the chief of the household” – also an official sounding title, at home.  With such a title, his/her authority at home will never be questioned or challenged.  As for the children, they are only subordinate or even viewed as a burden in such a family hierarchy.  Their role is to obey and be fed, nothing else.  So the harmful effect of inequality has been established first firmly at home, and then spread to all aspects of society – an authoritarian/dictatorial society since the beginning of the Chinese civilization.    

In contrast, there is no such concept of “Family Chief” in English language.  There is only a term “parents”.  Parents only means “father and mother of a child”, nothing else.  It does not imply a social hierarchy of inequality.  This is exactly opposite of the Chinese term “Family Chief”.  We Chinese have always followed such terms with the implied negative meaning in them.  We have never questioned the values (or anti-values) in such terms.  Now I want to tell everyone:  “Family Chief” is a toxic term that has poisoned the relationship between parents and children since the invention of the Chinese language.  We must realize that being a parent is not about being a chief in a family.  Being a parent is not about giving orders and commands to your offspring all the time.  Being a parent means to establish a loving relationship with your children and to guide them morally and spiritually, not at all to establish a dictatorial authority in the family to satisfy some sick power urge of the parents.  So I suggest from now on we should use the Chinese term “father and mother” to replace the poisonous term “Family Chief”.  With such a replacement, maybe we can relearn about the roles parents play in their children’s lives.  

2.  Respect, Encouragement, Appreciation 

In Steve Nash Basketball Club (Canada), most participants are native born children.  But age wise they are similar with the children in a basketball club in China.  Their training in basketball skills is also similar.  But the reactions from the children and the results are quite different.  Some people have already observed:  Children in China’s clubs lack independent thinking, spontaneity, initiatives as well as competitiveness.  Children from China often are hard workers.  They listen very intently and follow the coach’s instructions studiously.  Yet when it comes to the real competition and games, they don’t know how to think for themselves in an independent and creative way.  They have no idea how to apply what they learn in practice.  They are champions in practices, but losers in competitions.  In a game, they seem to stand around like chess pieces to be placed by the orders of the coach.  They know how to obey, how to please, how not to offend.  But they don’t know how to lead, how to cooperate, how to achieve results.  In training our coaches (in Chinese club), I often stress not to tell what a player should think and do, but how a player should think and do with reason, creativity and spontaneity.  But I have yet to achieve desired results.  In contrast to children in Steve Nash Club, I often observe some kids not as obedient, some even with certain arrogance and impatience in following coaches’ instructions.  But when it comes to competition, they often exhibit spontaneity, initiatives, creativeness and high degree of competitiveness.  They are active, not passive.  They are expressive, not stoic.  They are alive, not half-dead.   

I often talk to the parents of Steve Nash Basketball Club.  I have found some rather alarming contrast between them and the Chinese parents. 

First, the parents themselves are all independent thinkers and observers.  They all have their own individual opinions regarding the club management, teachers, coaches, etc…   Their independent assessment and opinions are based on the specific, unique characters of their own children.  They are keenly aware the stages of their children’s development.  They make decisions according to these stages and the unique characters of their own children.  They act as their children’s teachers, guides and care takers, not as their dictators.  

For example, N and C are 7th graders.  N is an extravert and C an introvert.  Although they are in different teams, they both have 5-6 years of hockey experience as a common background.  But now they love basketball.  N’s mother told me that N got into basketball since the 6th grade.  He also gave up hockey for it.  For a better access to his basketball interest, N’s mother even transferred him to another school.  C’s mother is also very involved in her son’s basketball.  She once asked me why C seemed a little lack of confidence since he shifted from hockey to basketball.  When C played hockey, he was very confident.  I told her that it took time to develop C’s fundamentals in basketball.  Once he started to improve in his fundamentals, his confidence should come back for his physical ability is above average.  C’s mother was satisfied with my answer.  

In our club team (Steve Nash Club), in every practice game or game against another team, all parents show up to support and encourage their own kids.  Rarely do you hear complaints or negative comments, even when their kids do not play well or the team loses the game.   The parents also participate in discussions with their kids about the game, just like teammates or friends.  It is obvious that children feel a positive vibe when their own parents behave in such a positive way.  When the kids do not play well, they also feel secure in their parents’ encouraging words.  “Next time you will do better.  Next time you may have a chance to win” is often what I hear.  The parents’ positive parenting also gives the coaches and staff confidence and cooperation in the improvement of their work.  Because of such a positive environment, contributed largely by the parents, the team members are constantly improving.  Each team member feels the meaning of their own participation and the growth in their own physical, social and spiritual development.  

3.  Equality in Dignity at Home 

    

In a traditional Chinese family, when talking about children’s choices, most parents assert that they are too young to make a decision.  They also assert that parents should choose for their own children with their (the children’s) best interest in heart.  The children should grow up feeling gratitude toward their parents for these (parents’) choices.   Since everything parents do is for the children, there is no need to respect the children’s will and dignity.  But if you take a closer look, you will find the fact is the opposite:  It is not that the parents have their kids’ best interest in heart; it is the parents who expect their children to have the parents’ best interest in heart.  Without respecting the children’s will, unique character, special interest and dignity, the parents actually force their own will upon their children, putting undue burden on them.  Some parents even resort to physical punishment on their children to achieve their own expectations for them.  Long term effect of such a negative environment in such a family environment is extremely harmful.  No wonder the Chinese children are afraid to make mistakes, afraid to initiate, afraid to stand up or stand out.  Please think about your own behavior.  What are you doing to your children? 

     

Parents’ authority should never be based on fear and obedience from their own children.  Parents should earn respect from their own children with a positive attitude in their family relationship.  Parents should do all they can to understand each child’s uniqueness, respect the child’s own choices and decisions from that unique character.  Parents should guide and influence their children, not command or dictate their children.  Parents should put their children’s dignity and respect above their own vanity and face-saving in front of others.  Everyone makes mistakes, even the parents do as well.  So be patient with your own kids, respect their own dignity and choices, and establish trust and communication among family members.   And please do not act as a “Family Chief”.    

========================

Dr Peck quoted in his book 'Further Alone The Road Less Traveled' - the finest words he thinks ever written about child-raising:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bow from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrow may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He Loves also the bow that is stable.

对待孩子教育的要与不要（家长必读）

摘自《把幸福还给孩子》Raising  a  happy  child   略加改动 2010-4-8

一、父母是孩子不可替代的老师

1.要重视父母的“榜样”作用

2.“言传”与“身教”并行

3.要做好孩子的：生存“智慧教育

4.要用心沟通，多多交流

5.要充分关注孩子的内心，让他得到满足

6.要多”鼓励“，它永远是家庭教育的第一词汇

7.要明白，暴力解决不了问题，且后患无穷

8.要明白，唠叨极其有害。

二、尊重孩子——沟通的前提

9.要尊重孩子的个人隐私

10.要像尊重法律一样尊重孩子的权利

11.要尊重孩子的自我意识和独立人格

12.要尊重孩子的兴趣与爱好

13.要尊重孩子的想法，他和你的宠物不一样

三 、聆听孩子——把他们当成你的同辈、朋友

14.聆听孩子的”坏心情“，为他的情绪解套

15.聆听从”平等“开始

16.要先听避免错误的惩罚和奖赏

17.要做一个积极、用心的聆听者

四、告诉孩子——品德修养是万丈高楼的基础

18.要告诉孩子，欲做事，先做人

19.要得到别人的信任，不要说谎

20.要真诚，才能朋友遍天下

21.要想得到别人的帮助，要先学会帮助别人

22.要宽容，谁都会犯错误’

五、人生目标——让孩子自己选择

23.要让孩子知道，有理想人生才会充实

24.要让孩子立长志，不要让他常立志。

25.要让孩子明白，奋斗才能实现理想。

26.要让孩子明白，失败是人生不可避免的’

27.告诉孩子，有志者，事竟成

六、挫折教育——通往成功的阶梯

28.失败，对人生很重要

29.要勇敢的尝试你想做的事情’

30.要让孩子明白”条条道路通罗马“

31.要把失败当成成功的踏脚石（”失败乃成功之母“）

七、人际交往——当代孩子的"必修课"

32.要教育孩子，心中有他人

33.给孩子一个条件，让他自己去锻炼

34.要教孩子学会说”不“

35.要教孩子自己去解决问题

36.要让孩子明白，与人合作是成功的捷径。

八、口才——为孩子的人生助力

37.要多和孩子交流，口才始于交流

38.要教孩子说话

39.要善待“顶嘴”的孩子

40.要培养孩子的语言文字能力

41.要给孩子一个好的语言交流环境

九、父母要勇于向孩子说“对不起”，让孩子感受到真诚与平等

42.误解孩子时，要及时道歉

43.要让孩子明白，有错就要改

44.做错了就要向孩子说“对不起”

45.父母是榜样，言行很重要。

对待孩子不要：

一、不要从自己的角度判断孩子的行为

1.不要忽略孩子的感受              2.不要让孩子总是围绕着你的思想转

3.不要总拿家长的威信限制孩子  4.不要以自己的标准判断孩子

二、不要把自己的兴趣强加给孩子

1.不要扼杀孩子的兴趣萌芽          2.不要“拔苗助长”

3.不要把自己没有实现的理想强加给孩子  4.不要和孩子针锋相对，重要的是孩子的兴趣

三.不要替孩子承担那些本来应该由他承担的责任

1.不要让孩子养成“不负责任”的习惯，  2.不要把孩子的责任担在自己身上

3.不要总把孩子当“小孩”                    4.不要做孩子的“依靠”，让他学会独立

四.不要轻率的给孩子定性

1.不要拿分数衡量孩子                       2.不要一直强调孩子的“弱点”

3.不要随便给孩子扣“笨”帽子           4.不要在外人面前“贬”孩子

五.不要帮孩子“摆阔气”，用金钱让孩子产生“优越感”

1.不要用金钱为孩子“造势”              2.不要助长孩子的虚荣心

3.不要让孩子养成摆阔气的陋习，教育孩子要勤俭节约

4.不要给孩子优越的生活，心灵的优越更重要

5.不要让孩子坐享其成，要他自己学会创造

六.不要给孩子规划人生蓝图

1.对孩子不要过于严厉         2.不要期望值太高

3.不要为孩子规划人生 让他自己去开拓

4.不要过度干预孩子            5.不要脱离现实（望子成龙）

七.不要为孩子遮丑护短

1.不要连孩子的缺点一起去爱      2.不要让爱失去理性

3.不要在“原则问题”上让步      4.不要充当孩子“毛病”的保护伞

八. 不要为孩子的青春期叛逆行为惶恐不安

1.不要把“叛逆”视为眼中钉            2.不要否定叛逆孩子的优点

3.不要把“叛逆的孩子”视为坏孩子   4.不要和叛逆的孩子硬碰硬 ，要重在引导

5.不要放弃叛逆的孩子

九.不要为孩子烦恼

1.不要步步相逼，给孩子一个自由的空间  2.不要把孩子当成负担

3.不要总牵着孩子的手                           4.不要对孩子“失望”

5.不要把孩子当成“犯人”

十.不要为孩子积攒财富，要把孩子变成财富

1.不要让孩子成为“温室里的花儿”

2.  不要太“心疼”孩子

3.不要“父母是能人 ，孩子不成器”

4.不要做好一切，帮助孩子自己去做

Junk Food

鞠滨 2010-1-18       在温哥华的日子，难免劳累辛苦，一个小小的波折，很容易让人对爱产生迷惘，除非心灵的触动，不然很难对自己的爱进行反思。       Edward小学二年级的一天中午，由于早上去上学的时候没有带午餐（温哥华的小学中午都是自己带午餐），所以那天中午我得把午餐给他送到学校去。可是那天我和妻子都很忙，没有时间给他准备食物，因此我只好买速食代替。我想一定要买好吃的东西给儿子吃，我第一个想到的就是十几公里以外的一家华人超市里的包子，那里的包子又鲜又香，远近闻名，远比那随处可见的汉堡薯条好吃。       于是为了给儿子吃到那家包子，我绕了很远的路开车一个多钟头才把包子送到学校。 我满怀欣喜地拿出包子递给他，我以为他肯定会很高兴能吃到这么好吃的东西。        他的表现却让我立刻火冒三丈。他一看到包子，接都不接，一脸的反感，嘴里嘟囔着：“junk food!” 然后艾怨地看着我。        这简直是不可理喻，我跑了这么远，大费周折买来的这么好吃的包子，却被他鄙弃为“垃圾”，我怎么可能不火冒三丈。我抓起包子一把扔进垃圾桶，狠狠训斥他道“you have to  pay for that ！”不吃包子就什么都没得吃，我转身就走。        实际上此前我从来没有对自己的孩子发过这么大的火，正因为我爱他，所以我才花这么大的工夫去买在温哥华很难买到的包子给他，他非但不领情，反而将之鄙弃，我的爱没有得到任何回报，自然非常生气。回去的路上，我心里责怪我的儿子，我不明白Edward为何如此反感包子，我抱怨他“怎么能这样呢！太伤我心了！”那时候我根本没心思顾及他的感受。        回到家，心里还是犯堵。正当我准备午休的时候，家里的电话响了，是Edward跑到学校教务处给家里打来的。这个时候距离我离开学校回到家差不多半个钟头的时间，同时需要说明的是，Edward必须请求教务处老师的同意后才能使用那里的电话，他是个内敛的孩子，这样的事情从来没有做过。电话是妈妈接的，妈妈问他：“Edward，什么事啊，怎么给家里打电话啊？”       “妈妈，我要跟爸爸说话。”他平时有什么话都要跟妈妈说的，这次很不寻常。        我走过去接电话，我拿起听筒正想批评他几句，那边的声音却让我立刻打消了这个念头。Edward刚一听到我的声音，就止不住呜呜哭了起来“爸爸，对不起……”。然后，他停顿了在那里，不停地啜泣再也说不出话来。恍如隔世，仿佛突然有个声音在对我说“God！我在做什么！他在向我道歉啊，我怎么可以对我的孩子这么愤怒！”顷刻间，所有的怒火烟消云散，顷刻间，生活的苦累都化作甘泉滋润内心，为了这个骨肉相连如此爱自己的孩子，就算再苦再累，又算得了什么呢。我的眼泪流了出来，我亲昵地安慰他：“儿子，不用说什么了，放学回家再和爸爸说吧，好吗？……”他在那边嗯嗯称是。       挂断电话，我的心满是温暖，我沉浸在儿子融融的爱中。我也渐渐醒悟过来，儿子在温哥华长大，吃惯了汉堡薯条，我们爱吃的传统食物他未必爱吃，不能让我们自己的意志强加到他身上。同时，不能再这样对他发如此大的怒火了，我爱他，其实他也在爱我，他也并不希望我因为他不吃包子而生气，当我的怒火伤害到他时，其实也是在伤害他对我们为人父母的爱。

The Ferry

鞠滨，吴必忠 2010-1-8    闲暇的时候，我们一家人很喜欢四处游览。其中有一次是去北温的一座大桥，去那里需要摆渡穿过一个港湾。就在那次摆渡中，发生了一件让我终身难忘的事情，我第一次为儿子的善良感到骄傲。 上船后我们被港湾美丽的风景所陶醉，Edward把薯条拿出来吃，这时候不远处有个小孩盯着Edward手里的薯条看，一副嘴谗的样子。Edward是个很善良的孩子，他有什么东西都喜欢和人分享。他发现了这一点，于是试探性的问我“爸爸，我可以把薯条给他吃吗？”我抬头看了看对方，据长相他们应该是来自东欧一家人。他们的孩子比我的孩子稍大，我孩子是四岁半，那个小孩大概五岁左右，后来我得知两个小孩是同一所幼儿园的。我礼貌地冲他们笑了笑，然后就对Edward说：“可以，去吧！”Edward就兴冲冲地端着薯条跑过去了。然后我看到他们俩凑在一起吃薯条，非常温馨可爱，我为儿子的这种乐于分享的行为感到高兴。 过了一会，他们的薯条已经吃光了。Edward咚咚咚跑了过来，“爸爸爸爸，我可以把我的鸡翅和他一起吃吗”，我说：“可以，去吧！”然后Edward从包里翻出鸡翅，乐呵呵的跑了过去，两个小孩津津有味的啃起鸡翅来。而我和我妻子，怡然欣赏着港湾美丽的风景。又过了一会，Edward咚咚咚又跑了过来，这次他问我“爸爸爸爸，可以给他点钱吗？他说他需要钱。”这次我犹豫了，我知道许多来自东欧的移民如玻利维亚斯洛伐利亚，他们的经济并不宽裕，但无论如何，钱是不能随便给别人的，否则的话就是廉价施舍了。所以我说“这个恐怕不行，我们不能随便给别人钱的！”奇怪的是Edward并没有失望，他虽然不明白为什么不能随便给人钱，但既然不给他也不会想那么多，他高高兴兴的又跑了过去。接下来的时间里，他都和那个小孩呆在一起，两个人很开心的聊天说笑。然后船抵岸了，我们礼貌地向东欧那家人挥手道别，他们则显得有些拘谨。  正当我们准备离开时，一位老太太步履蹒跚地走到了我们面前，她用颤抖的声音激动地对我们说：“我刚才就坐在你们不远处，目睹了你们一家人善良的举动，我已经在这里教了四十年的书，我已经六十多岁的人了，这简直是我所见过的最美丽的风景！”她脸庞因激动而涨红。“我没有听懂你们的交流，但我从你们的肢体语言中看出，你们对孩子的教育是一个非常好的示范！你们为这个城市带来了光彩！”说完她微笑着就离开了。 这突如其来的称赞，我和妻子惊诧莫名。我们根本没注意到原来有个老太太在一直注视着我们，我们觉得孩子这样做天性使然，我们只是顺其自然罢了。因为儿子善意举动而备受称赞，我们感到很意外，也很欣慰。不用说，那一次出游，伴随老太太令人欣慰的称赞和美丽风景，我们一家人满是温馨和幸福。同时，我第一次为儿子的善良感到由衷的骄傲。