Parents’ Roles in Rearing Their Offspring

Parents ≠ Dictators

By Ju Bin   Translation by Kai Chen

We often hear sayings such as “my kids are too young to understand anything, so I don’t take them seriously”.  We also hear questions as well such as “What do I do to make my children independent with a healthy mindset?”  Indeed, these are important issues for us parents.  I only want to talk a bit here about my own opinions on these important issues of parenting. 

1.  Be a parent, a confidant, a friend, not a dictator

First, I want to clarify the term in Chinese “Jiazhang”(“Family Chief” when translate Chinese word “parents” into English).   “Family Chief” is a unique Chinese concept/expression for a parent which means also “the head of the family”.  This is from the traditional Confucian mindset to classify a society into a hierarchy, no matter where and whom.  The highest aspiration for a Chinese is to be a governmental official.  Education itself is aimed at climbing an official ladder in society.  Working hard is also for the same purpose.  If one hasn’t achieved such goal in society, at least he/she can be “the chief of the household” – also an official sounding title, at home.  With such a title, his/her authority at home will never be questioned or challenged.  As for the children, they are only subordinate or even viewed as a burden in such a family hierarchy.  Their role is to obey and be fed, nothing else.  So the harmful effect of inequality has been established first firmly at home, and then spread to all aspects of society – an authoritarian/dictatorial society since the beginning of the Chinese civilization.    

In contrast, there is no such concept of “Family Chief” in English language.  There is only a term “parents”.  Parents only means “father and mother of a child”, nothing else.  It does not imply a social hierarchy of inequality.  This is exactly opposite of the Chinese term “Family Chief”.  We Chinese have always followed such terms with the implied negative meaning in them.  We have never questioned the values (or anti-values) in such terms.  Now I want to tell everyone:  “Family Chief” is a toxic term that has poisoned the relationship between parents and children since the invention of the Chinese language.  We must realize that being a parent is not about being a chief in a family.  Being a parent is not about giving orders and commands to your offspring all the time.  Being a parent means to establish a loving relationship with your children and to guide them morally and spiritually, not at all to establish a dictatorial authority in the family to satisfy some sick power urge of the parents.  So I suggest from now on we should use the Chinese term “father and mother” to replace the poisonous term “Family Chief”.  With such a replacement, maybe we can relearn about the roles parents play in their children’s lives.  

2.  Respect, Encouragement, Appreciation 

In Steve Nash Basketball Club (Canada), most participants are native born children.  But age wise they are similar with the children in a basketball club in China.  Their training in basketball skills is also similar.  But the reactions from the children and the results are quite different.  Some people have already observed:  Children in China’s clubs lack independent thinking, spontaneity, initiatives as well as competitiveness.  Children from China often are hard workers.  They listen very intently and follow the coach’s instructions studiously.  Yet when it comes to the real competition and games, they don’t know how to think for themselves in an independent and creative way.  They have no idea how to apply what they learn in practice.  They are champions in practices, but losers in competitions.  In a game, they seem to stand around like chess pieces to be placed by the orders of the coach.  They know how to obey, how to please, how not to offend.  But they don’t know how to lead, how to cooperate, how to achieve results.  In training our coaches (in Chinese club), I often stress not to tell what a player should think and do, but how a player should think and do with reason, creativity and spontaneity.  But I have yet to achieve desired results.  In contrast to children in Steve Nash Club, I often observe some kids not as obedient, some even with certain arrogance and impatience in following coaches’ instructions.  But when it comes to competition, they often exhibit spontaneity, initiatives, creativeness and high degree of competitiveness.  They are active, not passive.  They are expressive, not stoic.  They are alive, not half-dead.   

I often talk to the parents of Steve Nash Basketball Club.  I have found some rather alarming contrast between them and the Chinese parents. 

First, the parents themselves are all independent thinkers and observers.  They all have their own individual opinions regarding the club management, teachers, coaches, etc…   Their independent assessment and opinions are based on the specific, unique characters of their own children.  They are keenly aware the stages of their children’s development.  They make decisions according to these stages and the unique characters of their own children.  They act as their children’s teachers, guides and care takers, not as their dictators.  

For example, N and C are 7th graders.  N is an extravert and C an introvert.  Although they are in different teams, they both have 5-6 years of hockey experience as a common background.  But now they love basketball.  N’s mother told me that N got into basketball since the 6th grade.  He also gave up hockey for it.  For a better access to his basketball interest, N’s mother even transferred him to another school.  C’s mother is also very involved in her son’s basketball.  She once asked me why C seemed a little lack of confidence since he shifted from hockey to basketball.  When C played hockey, he was very confident.  I told her that it took time to develop C’s fundamentals in basketball.  Once he started to improve in his fundamentals, his confidence should come back for his physical ability is above average.  C’s mother was satisfied with my answer.  

In our club team (Steve Nash Club), in every practice game or game against another team, all parents show up to support and encourage their own kids.  Rarely do you hear complaints or negative comments, even when their kids do not play well or the team loses the game.   The parents also participate in discussions with their kids about the game, just like teammates or friends.  It is obvious that children feel a positive vibe when their own parents behave in such a positive way.  When the kids do not play well, they also feel secure in their parents’ encouraging words.  “Next time you will do better.  Next time you may have a chance to win” is often what I hear.  The parents’ positive parenting also gives the coaches and staff confidence and cooperation in the improvement of their work.  Because of such a positive environment, contributed largely by the parents, the team members are constantly improving.  Each team member feels the meaning of their own participation and the growth in their own physical, social and spiritual development.  

3.  Equality in Dignity at Home 

    

In a traditional Chinese family, when talking about children’s choices, most parents assert that they are too young to make a decision.  They also assert that parents should choose for their own children with their (the children’s) best interest in heart.  The children should grow up feeling gratitude toward their parents for these (parents’) choices.   Since everything parents do is for the children, there is no need to respect the children’s will and dignity.  But if you take a closer look, you will find the fact is the opposite:  It is not that the parents have their kids’ best interest in heart; it is the parents who expect their children to have the parents’ best interest in heart.  Without respecting the children’s will, unique character, special interest and dignity, the parents actually force their own will upon their children, putting undue burden on them.  Some parents even resort to physical punishment on their children to achieve their own expectations for them.  Long term effect of such a negative environment in such a family environment is extremely harmful.  No wonder the Chinese children are afraid to make mistakes, afraid to initiate, afraid to stand up or stand out.  Please think about your own behavior.  What are you doing to your children? 

     

Parents’ authority should never be based on fear and obedience from their own children.  Parents should earn respect from their own children with a positive attitude in their family relationship.  Parents should do all they can to understand each child’s uniqueness, respect the child’s own choices and decisions from that unique character.  Parents should guide and influence their children, not command or dictate their children.  Parents should put their children’s dignity and respect above their own vanity and face-saving in front of others.  Everyone makes mistakes, even the parents do as well.  So be patient with your own kids, respect their own dignity and choices, and establish trust and communication among family members.   And please do not act as a “Family Chief”.    

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Dr Peck quoted in his book 'Further Alone The Road Less Traveled' - the finest words he thinks ever written about child-raising:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bow from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrow may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He Loves also the bow that is stable.